In a laudable attempt to prevent bullying, we too often focus on things people do, and not on their reasons for doing them.
Why is this a mistake? Well, it wouldn’t BE a mistake if there were a general agreement that certain behaviors are off the table, no matter what the motivation. In situations in which there is such agreement, nobody has to inquire into motivations. In societies in which (say), the use of thumbscrews is entirely forbidden, if somebody does use them, the user is not punished, but treated…for insanity.
There are a few things which are thus removed from discussion, though there are still people who insist on discussing them, and trying to reopen debate about whether they’re necessary, if deplorable. In most cases, however, there’s a tendency to argue that if one could just come up with a good enough reason, destructive behaviors would be acceptable…in certain circumstances, with peer review and all like that.
The result is that people engage in really quite remarkable contortions trying to rationalize why terrible behavior might be justified: with these constraints and those limitations… Worse, they try to come up with reasons why it would be ‘wrong’ not to engage in abusive behaviors…because (it’s argued) the consequences if abuse is not practiced would be worse than if it is.
In such a situation, it’s necessary to examine the motives of bullies. In situations such as we live in presently, that is to say.
The basic question is not “Do there exist good enough reasons to do hurtful things to people?” This question is so rarely asked that answering it is not useful in determining why people act as they do. My answer, for example, would be ‘absolutely not’. Other people would likely respond ‘Depends. What circumstances are we talking about?’
People who engage in bullying are rarely trying to improve their own circumstances, at least directly. There are people who bully themselves, of course. But they mostly do so because they think (mostly inaccurately) that they will profit thereby. And for most people, the tendency is to pressure other people, in order to try to get them to do (or not do) things the bully thinks are respectively beneficial and harmful.
Which is to say, bullying is a social activity, governed by rules the bully thinks are universally valid. Except for the abovementioned self-flagellators (and then only the hermits among them), most bullies believe (honestly or not) that other people will be benefited by the hurt inflicted.
Thus, if an end is to be put to bullying, an end must be put to ALL bullying. And the only way this can be done is to put an end to the notion that coercion is EVER beneficial. Many bullies, after all, argue that they themselves have been bullied, and that they not only haven’t been hurt thereby (in the long run), but that they have even been benefited. It’s necessary that a general understanding come about that if ANYBODY is harmed, EVERYBODY suffers–and that there is no ‘upside’. Otherwise, people will continue to be dragged into the absurd continuation of the belief in eustress. They will continue to believe that they have in FACT benefited from the harm that was done to them. They haven’t, because it’s not possible. Stress is harmful: it never CAN be anything but malign.
What must be lost, therefore, is the notion of ‘redemptive’ suffering. As one Tai Chi instructor I used to watch pointed out, if it hurts, that’s because you’re INJURING something. We all have to find a way to gain without pain.
If we don’t find such a way, we’ll continue suffering, All of us. The individual bullies, the ‘professional’ bullies–and the victims who too often end up ‘graduating’ into one category or another. Of course there is some suffering that can’t be avoided in an imperfect universe. But we can, and we should, do away with the self-inflicted pains. As soon as possible.
For today’s more obscure question, I keep getting bombarded with messages that offer to save me ‘hundreds of dollars’. My response is “I can’t AFFORD to save hundreds. I don’t have that kind of income. I don’t spend ‘hundreds’ on ANYTHING.” I have to wonder why this isn’t a commoner refrain? Another case of not dealing with the negatives, I suppose.
treraia 